Do You See Me?
Lately, I’ve been thinking about what it means to be seen.This is not a commentary on my aging eyes, but rather a moment to contemplate interpersonal relationships. I believe being seen is to be appreciated as a whole, as our authentic self, including our flaws. It’s to feel comfort in a space where you feel safe to let your guard down. In essence, to be seen is, to be heard, and to be validated by those we trust and love.
When someone knows me, sees me for my raw self and appreciates all sides of me, it creates a feeling of an unconditional connection, as if there is nothing I could ever do or say to lose their love. When someone genuinely sees you, they witness your darkest moments without judgement, and your happiest moments sharing in your joy. They understand the root of your weak moments and the underbelly of your personal why’s.
When we feel safe our exterior facade crumbles, giving us courage to let someone see the truth of who we are without trying to impress, but rather behaving as if we were alone. There is a peace that comes with not having to say a word and someone understanding, a glance from across the room that can convey everything you're feeling, the freedom to just be, and feel understood.
When we are vulnerable, we risk that our raw exposure will fall on deaf ears, leaving us feeling rejected. This rejection can also be felt when someone's actions don’t align with their affirming words, indicating they do not truly see us, understand us or respect us. When we share our inner self, we need someone to say, “I feel for you, I empathize with what you feel and I am here listening to you, hearing your every word.” But we also need actions as validation that someone sees and accepts our naked self. Words are wonderfully intoxicating and can make us feel as if we are seen, but without the actions coordinating with those words,we feel insecure and doubt snakes its way in, causing us to retreat and hide our true self away out of fear.
Throughout our lives we experiment with vulnerability, but often we build protective walls from the times we expose ourselves to the wrong people only to be hurt. Eventually we fear rejection and hide our true self. We can start to question ourselves and wonder if anyone will ever tolerate our flaws. I know I have at times wondered if I am in fact lovable as I am, warts and all. I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable only to be discarded and the walls then become higher and deeper.
Somewhere along the line many of us start to believe we need to assimilate and bury any vulnerability because it’s easier, and emotionally safe. Hunker down, cocoon my soul and go along. It was way easier than exposing myself to the possibility of feeling hurt. It’s natural to try to hide and achieve perfection out of fear to be judged or disappointed. We develop armour from life experiences which prevents us from being seen. I was a textbook people pleaser, perfectionist, and I failed to look within and ask if I liked myself. I was always looking outward for the answers which inhibited me from following my own internal compass. I doubted myself based on the input of others. I’ve since grown to have a deep relationship with myself where I can appreciate all I’ve lived through and overcome. I can look in the mirror and say “I'm proud of you” and feel content with who I am.
Being vulnerable is risky, as there’s uncertainty in being exposed. Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Dr. Brown’s research concludes that courage and vulnerability are dependent on one another. Makes sense to me. As we age, Dr. Brown believes failure is less impactful and thus, we are willing to take risks despite the possibility of failure or hurt. She goes on to say, everyone has a different definition of closeness, therefore to belong and achieve close relationships we need to express what makes us feel seen. At one time or another we all ask ourselves, Am I good enough? but feeling seen, and unconditionally accepted by someone we love will keep that nasty question at bay.